Black Halo Uncut

BLACK HALO UNCUT BY LYKKE INGERSSON

Hi, I’m Lykke Ingersson and I’m here to bring you the inside scoop on Black Halo. Here is where we ask all those intimate questions you’ve been just dying to ask, such as: How many sexual partners has Spook had? What exactly is it that Ash does with his tongue? And why does Xane eat so many bananas? The guys and girl have agreed to two questions each, so I promise to make them good ones.

Let’s get started, with Xane.

XANE (Vocals)

Q1. Name your favourite position.
Xane: I would, but I haven’t tried it out with Dani yet and I wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise, or jeopardize it happening.
Lykke: At least give us some clues.
Xane: It involves more than two bodies and some robust springs.
Lykke: Intriguing. Hey, Luthor, are you hearing this?
Luthor: Sounds like something to look forward to.

Q2. Xane, is your post show obsession with bananas because they’re phallic and really you’re just hankering for a nice cock?

Xane: Nope, they’re full of potassium and energy. If I want a cock post show I’ll have… <Is elbowed hard by Spook.> What? It’s hardly a secret that I’m fucking him!
Ash: Seriously? You swore the other day that you weren’t.
Ginny: Dani, you OK babe?
Dani: I’m fine. It’s good. It’s all good.
Ginny: Are you banging them both?
Dani: No! Oh my God, how could you even think that?
Luthor: She’s strictly a one man woman. <Exchanges a knowing look with Xane.>
Xane: Lykke, you really need to get out more if you think a banana looks like a dick.
Lykke: Well, if anyone’s offering to show me the real thing…
Dani: Don’t encourage them. They walk around with everything hanging out too often as it is. It’s not fun waking to find someone’s tackle in your face.
Xane: Really?
Dani: <blushing> OK, it depends on who it belongs to.

ASH: (lead guitar)

Q1. What exactly is it you do with your tongue that makes it so famous?

Ash: Licking.
Lykke: Could you be more specific?
Ash: <grinning>And have everyone knowing my tricks, I don’t think so.
Lykke: Ginny, you’ll answer, won’t you?
Ginny: Well, he kind of does this thing where he curls his tongue and sucks that makes my knees go weak and then he sorts of wiggles it and… It’s really hard to describe.
Ash: Amazing?
Ginny: Yeah, it’s amazing. Sorry girls, I’m not giving him up.

Q2. How many times have you kissed Xane now, and has it ever gone any further than that?

Ash: I don’t keep a running total, but every time we play a stupid game where there are forfeits he inevitably ends up sucking my face off.
Lykke: So, lots. Double figures?
Ash: ‘spect so.
Lykke: Are there pictures?
Ash: <glaring at Spook> There better bleedin’ not be.
Ginny: You should answer the second bit.
Ash: I am not humping another guy for your entertainment, no matter how cute I think you are.
Ginny: Spoilsport. You know how hot I think it’d be.
Ash: Never happening.

PAUL “ROCK GIANT” (Bass)

Q1. In a less than sober moment on live TV you promise to raise money for charity by licking chocolate sauce off a fellow band member. Who do you choose?

RG: Ash.
Ash: Aw, man, seriously?
RG: Your licking skills are supposed to be legendary.
Ash: True. But you’re a dude.
Elspeth: You were supposed to be saying who you’d lick not the other way round.
Spook: I’d lick Xane.
Ash: Hey, I thought we were friends.
Spook: We are, but Xane has less hang-ups.
Ash: I don’t have any hang-ups.
Elspeth: Course not.

Q2. Paul, describe your perfect woman.

Ash: Hey, how come he gets the easy ones?
Lykke: Well, you can answer too if you like. You all can.
Ash: Ginny… especially if she has fishnets on.
Xane: Dani
Spook: Loyal,
Elspeth: Dead
Luthor: Black hair, blue/grey eyes and sings for a living.
RG: soft, round and squishy.
Ash: Paul! Since when did you want to hump a marshmallow?
RG: Hey, I happen to like curves. Just because you like stick insects.
Ginny: Is this a good time to remind you I’m here?
RG: No offence, Ginny. I just like a little more up top, and down below, and all over really.
Xane: Now would be a good time to stop. You’re not going to fit much more of your foot in your mouth.

ELSPETH: (keyboard)

Q1. Describe Xane in bed? Is he a giver or a taker?

Elspeth: A bit of both, actually. He knows what he likes and he’s not afraid of asking for it. He’s pretty good at intuiting what his partner(s) want too and dishing it out. He’s not the best I’ve had, obviously, but I’m not going to lie and say it was terrible. He’s had plenty of practice after all folks.
Ash: <nudging Xane> You hear that, she doesn’t think you’re awful.
Xane: Well you’d know.

Q2. If you had to spend the night with another member of the band performing sexual acts, who would it be, and what would you do?

RG: <loud whisper> me. <Points at self.>
Elspeth: <looking at Xane> Well, Ash is supposed to be good with his tongue, but I’d actually choose Spook. At least I’d know where he’d been.
RG: But what sort of sexual acts are you going to perform with the man with no libido?
Elspeth: Voyeurism.
Ash: Hey, Spook. Do you still have those pictures of Ginny?
Spook: Of course I have.
Ash: I think you should hand them over.
Spook: I think that only happens in your dreams. You’re not getting them without a court order.
Ash: Keeping pictures of my girlfriend is just shady.
Ginny: I don’t mind him having them. Besides, he has some ace ones of you too.
Ash: What?

LUTHOR (drums):

Q1. As the newest member of the band tell us, who makes the most noise on the bus, in general and while having sex?

Luthor: Um… Dani.
Lykke: Dani?
Everyone except Xane: Yeah.
RG: She totally thinks she’s quiet… Well, most of the time she is, but get a cock in her and she’s like a siren.
Xane: I don’t think you can say that.
RG: I just did.
Xane: She’s not that loud. Ash when he’s tugging it is loud.
RG: True, but he’s still not as loud as Dani.
Ash: Paul’s the loudest most of the time.

Q2. Your lover offers you a choice of being tied up or blindfolded, which one do you opt for?

Luthor: Tied up.
Xane: Oh, really?
Luthor: I like to know what’s coming at me.
Elspeth: Sometimes it’s fun not knowing what’s coming. It makes for a nice surprise.
Luthor: Not as much fun as not being able to escape.
Lykke: I had no idea you were such a perv.
Ash: Aw, come on. That’s tame.
Spook: Depends what he’s being tied up with.
Ash: Like you know anything about bondage. Actually, scratch that. I’ve seen the knots you put in things, and I know you’re a sadist.
Ginny: Don’t you mean a masochist, given that he doesn’t… you know <makes an obscene gesture.>
Ash: Need I remind you what he put me through the last time I needed to borrow his phone.
Ginny: That wasn’t sadistic. It was brilliant. OK, maybe a teeny bit sadistic, but it was definitely cool.

Which brings me nicely to you, Spook.

SPOOK: (rhythm guitar)

Q1. Spook, rumours abound that you’re celibate. Assuming that’s true, how long has it been since you last had sex?

Spook: Define sex.
RG: What, it’s been so long you can’t remember what it is?
Lykke: Shush. As in actual penetration, not just a blow job or masturbation.
Ash: He doesn’t do either of those either.
RG: Not unless he’s perfected the art of the silent knuckle shuffle.
Spook: <Lifts one eyebrow.>
Lykke: Is that true?
Spook: Is that your second question?
Lykke: Wait, no. You haven’t answered my first question yet.
Xane: As if he’d tell you, even if he had.
Spook: Seven years, five months, one week and five days.
Luthor: Fuck! Your balls must be seriously fucking blue.
RG: I think his libido gene got spliced with his guitar playing gene. It’s why he can’t put his guitar down for more than a minute.
Lykke: You mean all that practising is actually him playing with himself.
RG: Yup.
Spook: Fuck off.

Q2. Have you ever been tempted to spy on another member of the band’s antics?

Spook: Spying is rarely necessary. Mostly it’s all right there in your face.
Elspeth: Spook likes to take pictures so there’s a visual record. He’s obsessed with big O faces.
Spook: That’s not why I take pictures.
Lykke: Then tell us why.
Spook: You’ve had your two questions.
Lykke: Aw, come on…
RG: I’d like to know too.
Xane: That’s it. Interview’s over. Everyone go back to minding their own fucking business.
Well, there you have it folks. The inside scoop on Black Halo. Catch you soon.

Lykke.